


and i would walk 500 miles

by aionslittlerodent, qrandkinq



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Furries, M/M, Mentions of Sex Toys, Skype, Truth or Dare, Tumblr AU, makki says daddy a lot but he's kidding, tags will be added as the fic updates, they talk about furries and iwa wants to die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-22 10:02:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10694730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aionslittlerodent/pseuds/aionslittlerodent, https://archiveofourown.org/users/qrandkinq/pseuds/qrandkinq
Summary: barrybbenson:who the fuck named this chatself-centered shit:m eeeeeeMakki has renamed this conversation to “three memes and a god”Iwaizumi’s nickname is now our lord and savior.barrybbenson:much bettertherarestpepe:mmm yeah it isself-centered shit:DONT INVOLVE ME IN UR SHITTY MEMES(or alternatively titled, "A guide on how to test Iwaizumi Hajime's patience".)





	1. Iwaizumi regrets his life decisions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aionslittlerodent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aionslittlerodent/gifts).



> yes hello welcome to the incarnation of shit me and rin talked about one time. no regerts
> 
> hope you enjoy it!!
> 
> can u all believe it took me an hour to edit all of this on here just to find out i can't type in emojis

              [image]

**gymrat4:**

              had a good workout earlier. here’s a selfie.

              #i’m tired #gonna go to bed and wake up sore tomorrow #marvelous #face

              0 notes

 

Iwaizumi shut his laptop, grabbed some fresh clothes on the way to the bathroom and headed straight to the shower.

When he was finished he checked his phone for messages. He’s not sure why he does, he never gets any notes. He shouldn’t even care? But yet he’s placing his phone down on the counter a little harsher than usual. Wouldn’t be surprised if it just broke.

He’s not disappointed at all, shut up.

Just as he’s about to leave the bathroom his phone buzzes against the surface of the counter, almost scaring the absolute shit out of him. Well he needs to plug it in soon, it was about to die anyway.

He presses the button to check the percentage and sees that he’s got two notes.

What?

Hastily, he unlocks his phone to check them.

 

 **cosmicprince** liked your photo: had a good workout…

 **cosmicprince** reblogged your photo: had a good workout…  
               |@youlikejazz @getshrekt loOK ( ♡∀♡)

 

He places his phone down and covers his reddening face with his hand, not sure who he’s shielding it from. Probably from his own reflection in the mirror that’s no longer foggy.

It’s this person again. They’ve been going through his face tag for days now, liking and reblogging every single photo and showing it to the two people they just mentioned. And they’re just as bad as cosmicprince.

His phone buzzes again.

 

 

 **outerspaceho** reblogged your photo: had a good workout…  
               |THIS BELONGS HERE TOO

 **youlikejazz** liked your photo: had a good workout…

 **youlikejazz** reblogged your photo: had a good workout…  
               |NOW THAT’S 100% PREMIUM BEEF, YUMMMM

 **getshrekt** liked your photo: had a good workout…

 **getshrekt** reblogged your photo: had a good workout…  
               |*licks screen*

 

Jesus Christ. No, they’re _definitely_ worse.

Iwaizumi tosses his phone in a drawer to let it die and plops face down onto his bed, ready to sleep for the rest of the night. If his face would ever cool down.

**~*~**

The next day after coming home from volleyball practice, he scrolled through his phone for emails from his professors and saw that he had new notes.

He audibly swallows and opens the app, ready to see more weird comments.

Thankfully there aren’t any, but he does have four new asks. Holy shit. But then again…

 _Probably stupid porn bots again,_ he thinks, rolling his eyes as he goes into his inbox.

Nope, there isn’t a single porn bot in sight, no perverted URLs anywhere. Except for four anon asks that read:

 

 **Anonymous** asked: holy shit ur so hot??? its not fair!!!! (♡´❍`♡)*✧ ✰ ｡*

 

He can easily guess who sent _that._ But he doesn’t bothering making any stupid assumptions until he reads the other two.

 

 **Anonymous** asked: choke me with your hot bara arms

 **Anonymous** asked: daddy~

 

Iwaizumi groans.

 

 **Anonymous** asked: are you an actual god? bc hot diggity damn boi

 

He flushes at the last message. He shoves his phone into his bag and ignores his inbox for the rest of the day.

But he doesn’t delete them.

**~*~**

**Anonymous** asked: daddy pls wrap those bara arms around my neck I’m beggign

 **Anonymous** asked: daddy~~~~~~~

 **Anonymous** asked: I want to lick u

**gymrat4:**

              @ the weirdos sending me those asks. STOP.

              #its fuckign weird #stop harassing me #AND STOP CALLING ME DADDY #text

              2 notes

 **youlikejazz** liked this

 **getshrekt** liked this

 

 **cosmicprince** asked: ur so good looking tho?? lik e i cant deal w it (♥ω♥*)

 **cosmicprince** asked: WAIT SHIT THT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON ANOn

 **getshrekt** asked: choke me with your bara arms daddy

 **youlikejazz** asked: daddy  daddy  daddy  daddy  daddy  daddy  daddy  daddy

 

**gymrat4:**

              @cosmicprince @youlikejazz @getshrekt I’M GOING TO BLOCK ALL OF YOUR ASSES

              #STOP YOUR SHIT #text

              5 notes

 **cosmicprince** said: pLEASE iwa-chan!! dont do it!!!

 **youlikejazz** liked this

 **youlikejazz** said: try me bitch

 **getshrekt** liked this

 **getshrekt** said: lmao

 

Ugh. They can just _tell_ that it’s such an empty threat. He could just go ahead and block all of them. But if he’s gonna be honest right now, even though all of this irritates him like nothing else, it’s kind of entertaining at the same time. They’re fucking idiots, but this is the most fun he’s had on this blue hell site since he joined a year ago.

 

**gymrat4:**

**cosmicprince** replied to your post: @cosmicprince @youlikejazz @getshrekt…

 **|** pLEASE iwachan!! dont do it!!!

              and where do YOU get off adding a “-chan” to my name??

              #what the fuck #reply

 **youlikejazz** said: yeah oikawa that’s nasty asf

 **cosmicprince** said: SHUT UP MAKKI

 

 **getshrekt** asked: gymrat, sweetie. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that a ugly ass bitch like this would even say that, oh my god.

              I actually fucking snorted at this stupid meme

              #i hate myself #answered

              5 notes

 **youlikejazz** said: THE BARA GOD KNOWS HIS MEMES

 **youlikejazz** said: WE NEED TO INVITE HIM TO THE GROUP CHAT MATSU

 **getshrekt** said: ^^^^^^

 **cosmicprince** said: YES!!!!!!!!

 **cosmicprince** said: WHO R U CALLING UGLY MATTSU N

 

A group chat? Where he has to read the shit that three of these morons would send him all day?

No way. No.

No.

_Fuck._

Maybe… maybe he does?

What is he thinking? He doesn’t even _know_ them. He’s _not_ gonna just open up tumblr messenger and ask about them. He’s not like them.

Iwaizumi glances at the notes and clicks the link to -- Oikawa? -- Oikawa’s page, cosmicprince.

 

              **cosmicprince.tumblr.com**

 **☆*:. o(** **≧** **▽≦)o .:*** **☆**

He’s already squinting at the overly done pastel background and header. Even the title has some pompous ass emoji.

Hello!!! (*＾▽＾)／ Oikawa || 21 || Tokyo ||

Space Prince (◡‿◡✿) || Future Olympic Volleyball Player ||

Space side blog: outerspaceho

 

Oikawa lives in Tokyo too? And he plays volleyball? Huh. Maybe he does have something in common with one of these idiots.

He continues his search through ‘Matsu’s’ and ‘Makki’s’ pages. But he feels terrified at first because they’re both filled with Shrek, The Bee Movie and other shitty memes; he ignores the horrendous headers to read their descriptions.

They also say that they’re volleyball players -- well _were_ \-- and they too live in Miyagi.

“Small world,” Iwaizumi mumbles to himself as he goes through the tags.

They also say that they make their own content. He filters through the shitposts and finds actually decent art and fics. He even reads some of them (he doesn’t even glance back at the godawful crack fics) and looks at the art, reblogging the good pieces to his main. (He feels scarred for life looking through their joke furry art.)

After an hour of arguing with himself, he finally opens tumblr messenger and sends Matsu a message.

**gymrat4  
**               fine.

 **gymrat4**  
              I’ll join your group chat.

              **getshrekt**  
              good decision my good man

 **getshrekt**  
              skype name is therarestpepe

 

He’s so going to regret this.

What is he getting himself into?

**~*~**

Wednesday, May 15, 2017

Iwaizumi would like to add you on Skype

it’s gymrat4  
20:39

 **Iwaizumi:** hey  
**therarestpepe:** heyyy whats up my guy  
**Iwaizumi:** nm  
**therarestpepe:** same jc  
**therarestpepe:** gonna add you to the group chat now  
**Iwaizumi:** god  
**Iwaizumi:** okay  
**therarestpepe:** lmao you sound excited  
**Iwaizumi:** i’m shitting myself in excitement  
**therarestpepe:** hot  
**therarestpepe:** jk jk  
**therarestpepe:** anyway i’ll add you

 

April 15, 2017  
20:46

 ** _therarestpepe_** added **_Iwaizumi_**

You have been added to the conversation **_tumblr squad_** ** _☆_** ** _*:. o(_** ** _≧▽≦_** ** _)o .:*_** ** _☆_**

 

 **therarestpepe:** yo he’s here noe  
**therarestpepe:** now  
**tooruwu:** and u tell me off abt my speeling  
**tooruwu:** *about  
**therarestpepe:** *you *spelling  
**tooruwu:** shut UP MATTSNU  
**tooruwu:** MATTSUN  
**tooruwu:** hA BEAT U TO IT  
**tooruwu:** ಠ益ಠ)  
**therarestpepe:** what a proud moment for you  
**therarestpepe:** i wish hana was here to see our son finally growing up  
**tooruwu:** im older than u  
**tooruwu:** eyebrows  
**therarestpepe:** brat  
**tooruwu:** eyEBRWOS  
**tooruwu:** EYEBROWS  
**therarestpepe:** BRAT  
**Iwaizumi:** should I leave  
**Iwaizumi:** or do I have to keep watching this sad display of insults  
**tooruwu:** iwachan!!! (*＾▽＾)／  
**Iwaizumi:** hey  
**Iwaizumi:** Oikawa right?  
**tooruwu:** yeah (^∇^)  
**Iwaizumi:** okay good  
**Iwaizumi:** also I didn’t know you played volleyball, that’s cool  
**tooruwu:** yeah!!  
**tooruwu:** im hoping i get to go to the Olympics :D  
**Iwaizumi:** what position do you play?  
**tooruwu:** setter~~~  
**Iwaizumi:** oh nice  
**Iwaizumi:** I’m a wing spiker at my school  
**tooruwu:** !!!!!!  
**tooruwu:** we should meet up and practice one day!!!! Σ(゜ロ゜;)  
**Iwaizumi:** maybe yeah  
**Iwaizumi:** Mattsun what about you  
**therarestpepe:** oh you can just call me pepe~  
**Iwaizumi:** I’d rather cut off m fingers~  
**Iwaizumi:** my  
**therarestpepe:** my secondary name is Matsu~~  
**Iwaizumi:** okay  
**Iwaizumi:** do you and Makki still play volleyball?  
**therarestpepe:** ohhh yeah we used to  
**therarestpepe:** actually me and oikawa played on the same high school team? back in miyagi  
**tooruwu:** ugh u and makki were so annoying  
**tooruwu:** annoying  
**tooruwu:** sigh  
**therarestpepe:** speaking of which where is he??  
**tooruwu:** ugh he said he had to go take a dhit  
**tooruwu:** shti  
**tooruwu:** shit  
**tooruwu:** fuk  
**therarestpepe:** a shit fuk  
**therarestpepe:** sexy  
**Iwaizumi:** of course you’d get turned on by that  
**tooruwu** : waht????  
**therarestpepe:** *what  
**tooruwu:** mattsun    
**Iwaizumi:** I told him I was shitting myself with excitement earlier about this chat and he said  
**Iwaizumi:** >therarestpepe, 20:45  
                   “hot”  
**tooruwu:** mattsun what the fuck  
**therarestpepe:** ;p  
**tooruwu:** ..  
**tooruwu:** ,,im fuckign kinkshaming  
**Iwaizumi:** same  
**tooruwu:** two against one u nasty  
**therarestpepe:** ohohoho double team  
**therarestpepe:** actually nah i’d rather have just iwa instead  
**Iwaizumi:** ;ppp  
**tooruwu:** rUDE  
**barrybbenson:** yall i’m back  
**barrybbenson:** mattsun what the fcuck  
**barrybbenson:** u kinky shit  
**Iwaizumi:** hey  
**Iwaizumi:** how was your shit  
**barrybbenson:** ayyyy it’s our local bara god  
**barrybbenson:** it was fine but my legs are asleep rip  
**therarestpepe:** our lord and savior  
**barrybbenson:** aw thank u matsu bby  
**therarestpepe:** I meant Iwa you self centered shit  
**barrybbenson:** i thought that was oikawa

 

_tooruwu’s nickname is now self-centered shit._

**self-centered shit:** (ﾒﾟ皿ﾟ)  
**self-centered shit:** also ^^^^^  
**Iwaizumi:** good to know  
**Iwaizumi:** at Makki’s good shit I mean  
**barrybbenson:** als o  
**barrybbenson:** who the fuck named this chat  
**self-centered shit:** m eeeeee

 

_barrybbenson has renamed this conversation to “three memes and a god”._

_Iwaizumi’s nickname is now our lord and savior._

**barrybbenson** **:** much better  
**therarestpepe** **:** mmm yeah it is  
**self-centered shit:** DONT INVOLVE ME IN UR SHITTY MEMES  
**our lord and savior:** seriously  
**self-centered shit:** u deserve it  
**our lord and savior:** anyway listen  
**our lord and savior:** I still know nothing about any of you  
**our lord and savior:** how do i know you all are not old men creeping and hitting on guys like me  
**barrybbenson:** *YAINT  
**self-centered shit:** oh for god sakes  
**our lord and savior:** Makki I’m being serious  
**barrybbenson:** sorry sorry  
**barrybbenson:** habit tbh  
**therarestpepe:** anyway  
**therarestpepe:** we can send pics Iwa  
**our lord and savior:** yeah but how would I know you didn’t fuckign google them  
**therarestpepe:** fair enough  
**self-centered shit:** shall i go first iwachan?? :D  
**our lord and savior:** no you already have enough selfies on your page  
**therarestpepe:** OH so you’ve already been on our pages  
**our lord and savior:** plus when I look up ‘gaudy douchebag’ on google none of your pics show up  
**self-centered shit:** thats good tho right???  
**barrybbenson:** *though  
**our lord and savior:** unfortunately  
**self-centered shit:** ;^;  
**self-centered shit:** at least u know im not fake  
**self-centered shit:** AND SHUT UP MAKKI !!! OMG  
**therarestpepe:** here Iwa http:\\\getshrekt.tumblr.com/tagged/shrek-daddy my selfie tag  
**our lord and savior:** I’m gonna pretend I didn’t read that last part  
**barrybbenson:** here’s my beautiful face uwu http:\\\youlikejazz.tumblr.com/tagged/me  
**our lord and savior:** I appreciate you having a tag that doesn’t make me want to bleach my eyes

23:46

 **our lord and savior:** holy shit  
**our lord and savior:** you guys actually look really good  
**our lord and savior:** sorry for sounding weird but it’s true?  
**therarestpepe:** trust me we look like fucking gremlins compared to you  
**therarestpepe:** even hana’s nephew said he was fucking ugly lmfao  
**self-centered shit:** HAHAHAHA I RMEMBER THAT  
**therarestpepe:** *remember  
**self-centered shit:** mattsun i swear to god  
**self-centered shit:** ANYWAY  
**self-centered shit:** MAKKI PLS TELL IWACHAN WHAT HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY W HIM  
**barrybbenson:** god fuck ok  
**barrybbenson:** ok so like i was babysitting my nephew right  
**barrybbenson:** and i shit you not he actually asked me why i was so ugly  
**barrybbenson:** i told him i was him from the future  
**barrybbenson:** anD HE STARTED CRYING FOR LIKE AN HOUR  
**our lord and savior:** oh my god????  
**self-centered shit:** HAHAHAHAHHAAAHA  
**self-centered shit:** U SAVAGE  
**barrybbenson:** thank u i try my best  
**barrybbenson:** jessu Christ what tim ei sit  
**therarestpepe:** are you drunk or tired  
**barrybbenson:** yes  
**barrybbenson:** wait shut up n o  
**self-centered shit:** ughhh its late who cares tho  
**therarestpepe:** oikawa you better not stay up again  
**self-centered shit:** but i have so much hw to dooooooo  
**therarestpepe:** i don’t care go to bed  
**self-centered shit:** finE  
**self-centered shit:** but if i fail my classes  
**self-centered shit:** get kicked off the vb team  
**self-centered shit:** expelled from university  
**barrybbenson:** ok  
**self-centered shit:** become homelss  
**self-centered shit:** and die  
**self-centered shit:** iTLL BE ALL UR FAULT MATTSUN  
**our lord and savior:** or I could just tell you to go to bed or I’ll come over there and kick your ass  
**self-centered shit:** hahah a nice try iwachan  
**self-centered shit:** u dont even know where i live  
**therarestpepe:** okay Iwa here’s where he lives  
**self-centered shit:** NO  
**self-centered shit:** OK OK OK  
**self-centered shit:** ILL GO OMG  
**therarestpepe:** good night tooru-chan  
**self-centered shit:** fuck off mattsun  
**therarestpepe:** love u too  
**our lord and savior:** yeah I should go to bed too  
**our lord and savior:** I have volleyball practice tomorrow and my captain doesn’t like people coming in late  
**therarestpepe:** i’ll fight your captain  
**our lord and savior:** he could fucking bench press you  
**therarestpepe:** actually nvm  
**therarestpepe:** anyway  
**therarestpepe:** i think hana fell asleep again  
**our lord and savior:** okay  
**our lord and savior:** night  
**therarestpepe:** gnite

April 16, 2017  
00: 14

 **self-centered shit:** …tbh tho  
**self-centered shit:** i wouldnt mind if iwachan bench pressed me  
**our lord and savior:** Oikawa, go to bed.  
**self-centered shit:** iwachan  
**self-centered shit:** are u my mom??  
**our lord and savior:** …excuse me?  
**self-centered shit:** notHING  
**self-centered shit:** ILL GO  
**self-centered shit:** I PROMISE  
**our lord and savior:** just go to bed  
**self-centered shit:** OK  
**our lord and savior:** crappy oikawa  
**our lord and savior:** if you come back on here again I’ll kick your ass shittykawa.  
**self-centered shit:** dONT SHORTEN THE INSULTS  
**our lord and savior:** fine then,  
**our lord and savior:** shitty oikawa  
**self-centered shit:** OMG U DONT HAVE TO REPHRASE IT??


	2. Godzilla furry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **UGLYBROWS:** anywaY since hana’s here i wanna talk abt soemthing  
>  **our lord and savior:** what  
>  **UGLYBROWS:** abt like  
>  **UGLYBROWS:** fursonas  
>  **our lord and savior:** noooo whhyyyy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again!!! thank you so much for all the feedback on the last chapter （*´▽｀*）i'm gonna try and update this every friday/saturday unless i've hit writer's block
> 
> hope you enjoy this chapter!! please forgive me if it seems a little rushed

              **cosmicprince:**

              lol why am i still awake doing hwk kill me

              #astronomy is so hard u guys #pls help meeee（（●´∧｀●）） #prince speaks

              25 notes

 **gymrat4** said: gladly.

 

**cosmicprince:**

**gymrat4** replied to your post: lol why am i still awake…

                     | gladly.

              iwachan cHILL

              #JUST LET ME FINISH PLS #prince replies

              6 notes

 **gymrat4** said: I’ll kick your ass crappykawa.

**cosmicprince:**

**gymrat4** replied to your post: gymrat4: gladly.

                     | I’ll kick your ass crappykawa.

              IWACHSN S T OP

              #GIVE ME A MINUTE #prince replies

              8 notes

 

 **Anonymous** asked: hey @ gymrat4 fuck off and leave oikawa-san alone!!!!!

              pls dont yell at my friend bc hes right tbh

              #hes really concerned #ive been awake for at least 72 hours doing hwk #cute anons

              7 notes

 

 **Anonymous** asked: gymrat4 sounds like a dumb name imo

              ikr?? ive been telling him for weeks to change his name =^=

              #pls dont kick me iwachan #but its true!! #cute anons

              14 notes

 **godzillasace** said: how’s this then??

 

 **godzillasace** replied to your ask: gymrat4 sounds like a dumb…

                         | how’s this then??

              a lil nerdy but the ace part is good!!! (*^▽^*)

              #im so proud #prince replies

              3 notes

 

 **Anonymous** asked: ew that url lmao

              ok u guys can stop now seriously

              #leave iwachan alone please #anons

              2 notes

 

 **godzillasace** asked: what a fuckign nerd haha

 **godzillasace** asked: OH SHIT NO THAT ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON ANON

 **godzillasace** asked: Oikawa I swear to god if you post these

**~*~**

May 17, 2017 **  
** 03:34

 **_self-centered shit_ ** _sent a photo_

 

 **self-centered shit:** lmoao iwachan is embarrassing **  
our lord and savior:** fuck off oikawa **  
self-centered shit:** its ok iwachan!!! we all do it **  
self-centered shit:** no one is making fun of you **  
self-centered shit:** <3 **  
self-centered shit:** at least no one who is awake  
**self-centered shit:** wait,,,,, **  
self-centered shit:** iwachan why are YOU still awake????? **  
our lord and savior:** …. **  
our lord and savior:** shut up and go to bed already **  
self-centered shit:** yes sir yes yess

09:12

 **therarestpepe:** lmfao iwaizumi pulled an oikawa **  
barrybbenson:** lol **  
barrybbenson:** you two are so fucking embarrassing **  
barrybbenson:** oj hit brb **  
barrybbenson:** fuk **  
barrybbenson:** i choked on my cerela **  
barrybbenson:** cereal **  
therarestpepe:** damn you have cereal??? **  
therarestpepe:** all i had was leftover noodles from last nights dinner **  
barrybbenson:** you need to go shopping jesus **  
therarestpepe:** im not jesus makki **  
barrybbenson:** right sorry god **  
therarestpepe:** … **  
therarestpepe:** that’s better **  
therarestpepe:** also @ iwa **  
therarestpepe:** loce the new url  
**therarestpepe:** love **  
therarestpepe:** v sexy ;) **  
barrybbenson:** ooo yeah youre right **  
barrybbenson:** fit asf **  
our lord and savior:** did you just call Godzilla sexy?? **  
therarestpepe:** him BIG **  
barrybbenson:** and STRONG **  
barrybbenson:** boyfriend material

 

 **_our lord and savior_ ** _has left the conversation._

 

 **barrybbenson:** nooooo **  
therarestpepe:** i’ll bring him back

 

 **_therarestpepe_** _added **our lord and savior**_

 

 **our lord and savior:** god why **  
barrybbenson:** ily2 <3 **  
therarestpepe:** why would u say that hana **  
therarestpepe:** hes not boyfriend material **  
our lord and savior:** thank you **  
therarestpepe:** he’s obviously daddy material **  
therarestpepe:** he big and strong

 

 **_our lord and savior_ ** _has left the conversation._

 

 **therarestpepe:** and he thicc too **  
therarestpepe:** i’ll bring him back

 

 **_therarestpepe_ ** _added **our lord and savior**_

 

 **our lord and savior:** STOP CALLING GODZILLA DADDY FOR FUCK SAKE **  
barrybbenson:** we’re sorry **  
therarestpepe:** so very sorry **  
therarestpepe:** we didnt realize we were saying such things about your mom  
**therarestpepe:** yes godzilla is iwa’s mom fight me bithc **  
barrybbenson:** nonoono i agree tbh **  
barrybbenson:** iwa is son material **  
barrybbenson:** also i dont mean to be inapporopriate but **  
barrybbenson:** your moms really hot

 

 **_our lord and savior_ ** _has left the conversation._

 

 **therarestpepe:** … **  
therarestpepe:** I’ll get him again  
**barrybbenson:** lol **  
barrybbenson:** iwas mom’s got it goin on

18:32

 **self-centered shit:** …hold on a second **  
self-centered shit:** iwachan **  
self-centered shit:** iwachan?? **  
self-centered shit:** I **  
self-centered shit:** WA **  
self-centered shit:** CHAAAANNNNN **  
self-centered shit:**!!!!!!! **  
our lord and savior:** WHAT? **  
self-centered shit:** did u swnd me those other anon asks last night???  
**self-centered shit:** bc i noticed something (✧∇✧) **  
our lord and savior:** are we really still talking about this? **  
self-centered shit:** pls iwachan i need to knowwww **  
therarestpepe:** iwa say no **  
our lord and savior:** what??? **  
therarestpepe:** say no **  
barrybbenson:** we noticed it too **  
barrybbenson:** just say no **  
self-centered shit:** STFU **  
self-centered shit:** iwachan di d u send me those??? **  
our lord and savior:** ….and if I say yes? **  
therarestpepe:** which would be a BAD IDEA **  
self-centered shit:** shut the jell up mattsun **  
our lord and savior:** fine, I’ll bite **  
our lord and savior:** sure I did **  
barrybbenson:** god damn it iwa  
**barrybbenson:** u had ONE JOB **  
self-centered shit: SO U CALLED ME OIKAWA-SAN  
therarestpepe: ** dammit here we go **  
self-centered shit:** I FEEL SO FLATTERED **  
our lord and savior:** I was just trying to hide as one of your shitty fans Oikawa **  
self-centered shit:** my fans are all cute and perfect beings iwachan **  
self-centered shit:** jealousy is an ugly thing~~~~ **  
self-centered shit:** u wouldnt want to ruin ur beautiful face by such a thing would u~~~~ **  
our lord and savior** I’ll ruin ur beautiful face one day crappykawa~~~~~  
**our lord and savior:** typing like that took 10 years off my life **  
self-centered shit:** U THINK IM BEAUTIFUL TOO **  
self-centered shit:**?????? **  
therarestpepe:** damn iwa you are just **  
therarestpepe:** digging yourself into a deeper hole every time you respond lmao  
**our lord and savior:** I don’t have time for this **  
our lord and savior:** I have a job to do **  
barrybbenson:** have fun at work honey~ **  
our lord and savior:** Don’t you ever call me “honey” with a skype name like that

**~*~**

May 23, 2017  
03:22

 **self-centered shit:** wowowowwowo im tired  
**self-centered shit:** im gonna go get some coffeeeeee  
**self-centered shit:** alsO  
**self-centered shit:** my profs are going to kill meeee with all this bs hwwww=^=  
**self-centered shit:** physics is haaaaaard  
**self-centered shit:** BUT I LOVE IT ADLKHDG  
**therarestpepe:** oikswa.  
**therarestpepe:** gi  
**therarestpepe:** to  
**self-centered shit:** fine mo m  
**therarestpepe:** bed  
**therarestpepe:** dam n rihgt i’m yoir mothrr  
**therarestpepe:** you little shit  
**self-centered shit:** thts the one thing u managed to type out right????  
**therarestpepe:** shit the fyck up its 320  
**self-centered shit:** mattsun types even worse than i do at 3am  
**self-centered shit:** amazing  
**barrybbenson:** ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy  
**self-centered shit:** dAD  
**self-centered shit:** MO MS BULLYING MR  
**self-centered shit:** ME  
**barrybbenson:** mr who  
**self-centered shit:** shut uP IM EANT ME  
**therarestpepe:** dnt talk to yoir fathtr like tgat  
**barrybbenson:** matsu go back to bed  
**barrybbenson:** matsu?  
**barrybbenson:** good  
**barrybbenson:** now listen here tooru-kun  
**barrybbenson:** go to sleep or youre fucking grounded  
**barrybbenson:** tooru?  
**barrybbenson:** oikawa  
**barrybbenson:** u there  
**barrybbenson:** that piece of shit  
**barrybbenson:** woke me up  
**barrybbenson:** for nO REASON

04:49

 **our lord and savior:** makki.  
**our lord and savior:** please shut up.  
**our lord and savior:** i regret putting my phone on vibrate for this bullshit.

06:13

 **barrybbenson:** WHY AM I THE ONE IN TROUBLE  
**barrybbenson:** OIKAWAST HE ONE WHO STARTED ALL OF THIS

**~*~**

May 24, 2017  
10:58

 **barrybbenson:** can i pls drop out of this stupid class  
**self-centered shit:** what happene??  
**self-centered shit:** happneeed  
**self-centered shit:** fuckin g  
**barrybbenson:** this term literally just started  
**barrybbenson:** but oh my fuckinG GOD  
**self-centered shit:** what happened????  
**barrybbenson:** my teacher  
**barrybbenson:** is so STUPID??? LIKE ISTG  
**self-centered shit:** if u need to rant im here  
**self-centered shit:** i just got out of class too =0=  
**barrybbenson:** ok  
**barrybbenson:** so like  
**barrybbenson:** my teacher gave us a test today  
**barrybbenson:** so we take it  
**barrybbenson:** and I finish first in like the first hour  
**barrybbenson:** then  
**barrybbenson:** THEN  
**barrybbenson:** HE ACTUALLY FUCKIGN ASKED “YOU’RE DONE? ARE YOU SURE?”  
**barrybbenson:** LIKE OH  
**barrybbenson:** NOOO  
**barrybbenson:** I’M TOTALLY NOT DONE  
**barrybbenson:** LEMME JUST GET THE PAPER BACK  
**barrybbenson:** ERASE ALL THE ANSWERS  
**barrybbenson:** AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN  
**self-centered shit:** wtf?? is wrong??? with him???????  
**barrybbenson:** idk i just really fuckin hate him now  
**self-centered shit:** and u cant change classes can u?  
**barrybbenson:** ugh no  
**barrybbenson:** its total bullshit too???  
**self-centered shit:** im sorry  
**barrybbenson:** thanks  
**barrybbenson:** and thanks for letting me rant  
**self-centered shit:** np !!  
**self-centered shit:** it helps get the anger out ^-^  
**barrybbenson:** yeah  
**barrybbenson:** anyway im gonna go take a nap  
**barrybbenson:** hopefully i don’t wake up as pissed as i am right now  
**self-centered shit:** sleep well makki!!

**~*~**

May 25, 2017  
23:05

 **therarestpepe:** yo  
**therarestpepe:** anyone online  
**therarestpepe:** yoooooooooooooooooo  
**therarestpepe:** yoooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
**therarestpepe:** yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
**therarestpepe:** yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo  
**our lord and savior:** I’m here  
**therarestpepe:** ayyyy  
**therarestpepe:** my boy~  
**therarestpepe:** how was your day~  
**our lord and savior:** ugh so shitty  
**our lord and savior:** I just got home from work  
**our lord and savior:** and the customers  
**our lord and savior:** can suck my ass  
**therarestpepe:**??? it’s after 11pm???  
**therarestpepe:** also  
**therarestpepe:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLikP6BDH5w>  
**our god and savior:** I’m literally way past the point of bothering to tell you to quit it with the shitty memes  
**our lord and savior:** but I’m laughing  
**our lord and savior:** god  
**our lord and savior:** I’m so freakin tired  
**therarestpepe:** okay i’ll be serious  
**therarestpepe:** is there anything I can _actually_ do?  
**our lord and savior:** if you could kick my boss’s ass that would be wonderful  
**our lord and savior:** but I really need this job so I’m not gonna ask for that  
**therarestpepe:** fair enough  
**therarestpepe:** but hey listen  
**therarestpepe:** it’s Friday and you can chill for the whole weekend right?  
**our lord and savior:** yeah  
**our lord and savior:** yeah you’re right  
**therarestpepe:** so follow my lead  
**therarestpepe:** and get durnk  
**our lord and savior:** you bet your ass I will  
**our lord and savior:** brb  
**therarestpepe:** atta boy Iwa  
**self-centered shit:** whats goin on?  
**self-centered shit:** oh god (,,꒪꒫꒪,,)  
**self-centered shit:** i feel u iwachan  
**self-centered shit:** i teach a volleyball class for kids every saturday  
**self-centered shit:** n its hell  
**therarestpepe:** do you not like kids oikawa  
**self-centered shit:** i like my nephew  
**self-centered shit:** but the other kids are horrible  
**self-centered shit:** i try to be nice and explain how to serve and stuff  
**self-centered shit:** but they dont listen mattsuuuunnnn (ι´Д｀)ﾉ  
**therarestpepe:** i’m gonna tell takeru you think he’s annoying and horrible  
**self-centered shit:** maTTSUN  
**self-centered shit:** HE ALREADY HATES ME

 

_self-centered shit’s nickname is now worst uncle._

_therarestpepe’s nickname is now EYEBROWS._

**worst uncle:** FUK U

 

_worst uncle’s nickname is now WORST UNCLE._

_EYEBROWS’s nickname is now UGLYBROWS._

**WORST UNCLE:** AND UR EYEBROWS  
**UGLYBROWS:** that’s the best insult you could make  
**UGLYBROWS:** no wonder takeru thinks youre lame  
**WORST UNCLE:** FUKc U TO HELL AND BACK MATTSUN  
**UGLYBROWS:** are u sure about that  
**UGLYBROWS:** but then again  
**UGLYBROWS:** id be upf or it ;););)  
**WORST UNCLE:** IM DONE WITH U  
**WORST UNCLE:** GOOD NIGHT  
**our lord and savior:** or Oikawa  
**our lord and savior:** you could join the drinking party  
**WORST UNCLE:** iwachannn  
**WORST UNCLE:** i cant  
**WORST UNCLE:** i have work tomorrow morning were u not reading what i was saying??  
**our lord and savior:** i’m too drunk to care  
**UGLYBROWS:** you’ve been gone for like 10 mins?  
**UGLYBROWS:** today mustve been really fucking shitty  
**UGLYBROWS:** also oikaws  
**UGLYBROWS:** you rmember elarier about that conbersation me an dhana had about ‘that’??  
**WORST UNCLE:** oh god  
**WORST UNCLE:** yes  
**WORST UNCLE:** iwachan i wanna say i’m really sorry for what ur gonna hear (´Д` )  
**UGLYBROWS:** actually no waot  
**UGLYBROWS:** i wanna wait for hana to come back  
**WORST UNCLE:** he said smth earlier abt a date i think  
**UGLYBROWS:** WHAT  
**WORST UNCLE:** must be w his hand or smth  
**WORST UNCLE:** anyone who wants him must be insane  
**our lord and savior:** ayyyy Makki  
**our lord and savior:** get some  
**UGLYBROWS:** AYYYYYYYYYYYY  
**WORST UNCLE:** omfg  
**WORST UNCLE:** whO ARE YOU  
**WORST UNCLE:** AND WHAT HAVE U DONE TO OUR GRUMPY IWACHAN  
**our lord and savior:** shut up oikawaim grumpy bc work can kiss my ass  
**WORST UNCLE:** i understand iwachan  
**WORST UNCLE:** luckily i only work for 3 hours (￣▽￣)  
**our lord and savior:** …  
**our lord and savior:** leave  
**WORST UNCLE:** what  
**WORST UNCLE:** ?  
**our lord and savior:** LEAVE  
**our lord and savior:** I HAD TO WORK 12 HOURS TODAY  
**our lord and savior:** AND YOU ONLY WORK TWO  
**our lord and savior:** GO TO BED AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YUO JUST SAID  
**WORST UNCLE:** IM SORRY IWACHAN  
**our lord and savior:** oh shit  
**our lord and savior:** oh no  
**UGLYBROWS:** iwaizumi are you crying  
**our lord and savior:** naw  
**barrybbenson:** who made iwaizumi cry  
**barrybbenson:** oikawa?  
**our lord and savior:** i hurt his feelings  
**our lord and savior:** i’m such a poece of shit  
**barrybbenson:** nooo bby we all do it  
**barrybbenson:** don’t be sad **  
UGLYBROWS:** calm down dude he’s drunk  
**barrybbenson:** i’m late to the party wtf??  
**barrybbenson:** brb  
**WORST UNCLE:** makki????  
**WORST UNCLE:** am i gonna be the only one whos sober ??????  
**our lord and savior:** sucks to be u nerd  
**UGLYBROWS:** #roasted  
**UGLYBROWS:** anywaY since hana’s here i wanna talk abt soemthing  
**our lord and savior:** what  
**UGLYBROWS:** abt like  
**UGLYBROWS:** fursonas  
**our lord and savior:** noooo whhyyyy  
**UGLYBROWS:** like hana  
**UGLYBROWS:** hana  
**UGLYBROWS:** makki  
**UGLYBROWS:** hanamAKI  
**barrybbenson:** chill tf out im here??  
**barrybbenson:** oH fursonas lmfao  
**barrybbenson:** i feel like mattsun would be like shrek  
**barrybbenson:** lik ea shrek fursona  
**UGLYBROWS:** ofc of course  
**WORST UNCLE:** ‘of fucking course of course’  
**WORST UNCLE:** damn mattsun  
**WORST UNCLE:** back at it again w the stupidity huh  
**UGLYBROWS:** shut up  
**barrybbenson:** i would be barry from the bee movie  
**UGLYBROWS:** and lik e  
**UGLYBROWS:** iwa would be Godzilla  
**our lord and savior:** yeha  
**UGLYBROWS:** but unfortunately iwaizumi  
**barrybbenson:** theres no such thing as a Godzilla fursuit  
**UGLYBROWS:** iwa??  
**our lord and savior:** fuck  
**our lord and savior:** n o  
**UGLYBROWS** : Godzilla fursuits don’t exist  
**our lord and savior:** what the fuck  
**our lord and savior:** why not????

_our lord and savior’s nickname is now godzilla furry._

**barrybbenson:** does this make you feel better iwaizumi  
**barrybbenson:** ?  
**godzilla furry:** yea  
**godzilla furry:** thank you  
**UGLYBROWS:** our poor babu  
**UGLYBROWS:** baby  
**UGLYBROWS:** want me or hana to draw you in a godzilla furry costume  
**UGLYBROWS:** id do it for you but my hands now have the stability of a donkey on a tightrope  
**godzilla furry:** yea please  
**barrybbenson:** ugh  
**godzilla furry:** please  
**godzilla furry:** pleeeeeeeeeease,  
**barrybbenson:** fine  
**barrybbenson:** there goes my saturday night  
**UGLYBROWS:** oh please  
**UGLYBROWS:** what plan s do you have???  
**UGLYBROWS:** don’t be an asshple han a  
**barrybbenson:** i said fineeeeeeeeeeee  
**barrybbenson:** also  
**barrybbenson:** donkey CAN walk on a tightrope  
**UGLYBROWS:** wheres the proof  
**barrybbenson:** well mayb if you were A TRUE shrek fan you’d know  
**UGLYBROWS:** say that again  
**barrybbenson:** you  
**barrybbenson:** are not  
**barrybbenson:** a true  
**barrybbenson:** shrek fan

 

_barrybbenson’s nickname is now fuck bee movie._

**UGLYBROWS:** eat my ass makki

 

_UGLYBROWS’s nickname is now fuck shrek._

**fuck shrek:** TOO FAR **  
fuck bee movie:** you know what  
**fuck bee movie:** you’re right  
**fuck bee movie:** im sorry  
**fuck shrek:** its fine  
**fuck shrek:** i forgive you

 

_fuck shrek’s nickname is now fucks shrek._

**fucks shrek:** hana……..  
**fucks shrek** : youre the best  
**fuck bee movie:** <3  
**fucks shrek:** <333  
**fuck bee movie:** <3333333  
**fucks shrek:** <333333333333333333  
**fuck bee movie:** <3333333333333333333333333333

 

_fuck bee movie’s nickname is fucks bees._

**godzilla furry:** is that even possibel  
**fucks bees:** idc i love it  
**fucks shrek:** <33333333333333333333333  
**fucks bees:** <333333333333333333333333333333333  
**fucks shrek:** <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333

_[cut for length]_

**~*~**

May 26, 2017  
08:26

 **godzilla furry:** oh my gof my head  
**godzilla furry:** is goign to split into two  
**fucks bees:** fuck same  
**fucks bees:** smashing it against a brick wall seems like the only cure  
**fucks shrek:**  good morning fuckers  
**godzilla furry:** ugh morning  
**fucks bees:** theres nothing good about this morning matsu  
**godzilla furry:** wheres the nearest cliff that i can thrwo myself off of  
**fucks bees:** or better yet just throw yourself out the window  
**godzilla furry:** good call  
**fucks shrek:**  ok listen up babies  
**fucks shrek:** Tylenol  
**fucks shrek:** water  
**fucks shrek:** mcdonalds  
**fucks shrek:** boom  
**fucks shrek:** hangover cure  
**fucks shrek:** now if youll excuse me  
**fucks shrek:** im off to go eat 10 delicious mcmuffins  
**godzilla furry:** stop talking about food for the love of god  
**godzilla furry:** also did we seriously talk about fucking fursonas and fur suits  
**godzilla furry:** AND I FUCKING CRIED WHEN YOU GUYS SAID THERE WAS NO SUCH THING  
**godzilla furry:** AS A GODZILLA FUR SUIT  
**godzilla furry:** oh god no no nonono brb

09:01

 **fucks shrek:** i cant believe iwa fuckign died  
**fucks bees:** gone but not forgotten in the year of our lord 2k17  
**fucks shrek:** i cant fucking believe we got him to talk about furries tho  
**fucks bees:** and fursuits  
**fucks bees:** he UFCKING CRIED  
**fucks bees:** i screenshotted all of this shit  
**fucks bees:** for blackmail purposes  
**fucks shrek:** you’re literally the worst  
**fucks shrek:** i love u man  
**fucks bees:** gay  
**fucks shrek:** <3333  
**fucks bees:** <333333  
**godzilla furry:** i did not FUCKING CRY

 

 **_fucks bees_ ** _sent a photo_

 

 **fucks bees:** you were saying???  
**godzilla furry:** shut the fuck up  
**godzilla furry:** WHY AM I NAMED GODZILLA FURRY  
**godzilla furry:** HOW THE FUCK DO I CHANGE MY NAMe

9:45

 **fucks bees:** oikawa i stg  
**fucks bees:** if you read this  
**fucks bees:** and tell him how to change his name  
**fucks bees:** i’m gonna block u

**~*~**

[image]

**youlikejazz:**

                      fur my bff **@godzillasace** x)c

                      #godzillasace #bee drawings #godzilla #furry #fursona #teehee i hope he likes this!!!111

                      36 notes

 **godzillasace** said: what the FUCK HANAMAKI

                       **getshrekt** liked this

                       **getshrekt** reblogged this from **youlikejazz** and added: LMFAOOOOO RIP

 

**~*~**

**Anonymous** asked: are u a furry now

 **Anonymous** asked: omg youre a furry too!!!!

 **Anonymous** asked: are you a furry????

 **Anonymous** asked: lol blocked

 **Anonymous** asked: hey i wrote u a fic [link]

                      **Anonymous** asked: I DREW FANART FOR YOU [link]

                      **Anonymous** asked: i made some art if you wanna see it [link]

                      **Anonymous** asked: don’t be in denial!! its ok!!! i felt how u feel right now at first but u’ll learn to embrace it!!

                       **getshrek** asked: i’m all bark and no bite… unless u want a bit of bite ;)

 **cosmicprince** asked: i wanna get ruff with u (IWACHAN IM SO SORRY THEY THREATENED TO BLOCK ME)

 **youlikejazz** asked: ill fuck u yiff u want me to ;)

 **getshrekt** asked: want me to get u a collar with your name on it? ;)

 

 

                      **godzillasace:**

                   

                      **@THE PEOPLE SENDING ME THOSE FUCKING ASKS**

                      #I’M NOT A FUCKING FURRY #GO AWAY #i feel nauseous looking at your weird art #get out of my inbox with that garbage #i cannot BELIEVE someone sent me a furry smut fic #i want to bleach my eyes and take out my brain

                      5 notes

 

**~*~**

June 5, 2017  
11:56

 **godzilla furry:** you’re all fucking disgusting.

12:25

 **godzilla furry:** what the FUCK  
**godzilla furry:** MADE YUO ALL TGINK  
**godzilla furry:** THIS WAS OKAY

20: 47

 **godzilla furry:** i’m scarred for lide  
**godzilla furry:** *life  
**fucks shrek:** ok ok I’m sorry  
**fucks shrek:** I’m done  
**fucks shrek:** promise  <3  
**godzilla furry:** good  
**fucks bees:** sorry daddy i’ve been bad  
**godzilla furry:** stop calling me daddy  
**fucks bees:** oh ur right sorry  
**fucks bees:** sorry godzilla i’ve been bad

 

 ** _godzilla furry_** _has left the conversation._

 **_fucks shrek_ ** _added **godzilla furry**_

**fucks bees:** hai x3c  
**fucks shrek:** h-hello *blushes*  
**fucks bees:** *tackleglomps u*X3  
**fucks bees:** *notices bulge in ur pants*  
**fucks bees:** OwO What’s this???

 

 **_godzilla furry_ ** _has left the conversation._

18:42

 **WORST UNCLE:** NOOOOOO  
**WORST UNCLE:** IWACHAN  
**WORST UNCLE:** WAHT DID U GUYS DO  
**WORST UNCLE:** OMG YOU GUYS ARE GROSS

19:49

 **fucks shrek:** sowwy x3  
**fucks bees:** whoopsies *blushes and hides face*

**~*~**

**Tooru** **☆** **:** IWACHAN  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** PLS COME BACK TO THE CHAT  
**Iwaizumi:** no way  
**Iwaizumi:** in hell  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** I TOLD THEM TO STOP  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** THEY SAID THEY WOULDNT DOI T ANYMPRE  
**Iwaizumi:** did you forget about what you sent me on tumblr earlier??  
**Tooru** **☆** **:**...  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** OHS HIT  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** IWACHAN THEY MADE ME  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** I SAID I WAS SORRYYYY  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** THEY PRMOISED NOT TO MAKE ANY MORE FURRY JOKES W/ U **  
****Tooru** **☆** **:** I DEFINITELY WONT DO ANY MORE **  
****Tooru** **☆** **:** PLEAS EI WACHAN

**~*~**

June 6, 2017  
20:03

 **_WORST UNCLE_ ** _added_ **_godzilla furry_ **

 

 **WORST UNCLE:** pls you guys no more furry stuff  
**WORST UNCLE:** its gross  
**furry fucker:** ahhh fair enough  
**WORST UNCLE:** WHO ARE U  
**godzilla furry:** WHAT THE FTUCK IS THAT NAME  
**furry fucker:** whats wrong with my name  
**furry fucker:** and i could ask u the same thing  
**godzilla furry:** EVERYTHING  
**godzilla furry:** EVERY FUCKING THING  
**godzilla furry:** I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THIS FURRY SHIT  
**godzilla furry:** IT’S MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE  
**godzilla furry:** I KEEP RECEIVING FURRY ART AND FICS OF ME AS A GODZILLA FURRY  
**godzilla furry:** THIS HAS GONE ON FOR TOO LONG  
**furry fucker:** …u know what  
**furry fucker:** youre right  
**furry fucker:** it was fun while it lasted

 

_furry fucker’s nickname is now therarestpepe._

_furry fucker’s name is now barrybbenson._

_godzilla furry’s nickname is now our god and savior._

**our lord and savior:** … that’s better  
**WORST UNCLE:** HEY WAIT WHAT ABOUT ME THO

 

**~*~**

 

 **getshrekt** asked: Om gosh… sowwy 2 b0th3r but…. *blushes*Im going 2 make my next fursuit… based on u!!! x3 i need snuggles❤ when i die x-x and go to anime heaven… i hope u’ll see me der!! :3 XD *wags tail* *bops your nose* x)c ily!! OwO !!!!11!!1!11

 **youlikejazz** asked: Om gosh… sowwy 2 b0th3r but…. *blushes*Im going 2 make my next fursuit… based on u!!! x3 i need snuggles❤ when i die x-x and go to anime heaven… i hope u’ll see me der!! :3 XD *wags tail* *bops your nose* x)c ily!! OwO !!!!11!!1!11

 **cosmicprince** asked: Om gosh… sowwy 2 b0th3r but…. *blushes*Im going 2 make my next fursuit… based on u!!! x3 i need snuggles❤ when i die x-x and go to anime heaven… i hope u’ll see me der!! :3 XD *wags tail* *bops your nose* x)c ily!! OwO !!!!11!!1!11 (I’M SO SOSRRY)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that last bit came from [here](http://thebootydiaries.tumblr.com/post/158788204007/this-is-worse-than-hate-mail)
> 
> (btw when they talk about furries they're not being serious, they just wanna see iwa suffer lmao)


	3. a stretch too far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“YOU GAVE THAT MORONIC THING A NAME?!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here you go, over 7k words in this chapter. you just got christmas early this year, kids!!
> 
> and that's right folks, the fic's rating's been bumped up to mature. this chapter's gonna get very slightly nsfw? nothing dirty happens but there's shit like sex toys being discussed and truth or dare. this change also applies to another future chapter ohoho
> 
> also a reminder that everyone is legally able to drink, there is definitely no underage drinking going on in here.
> 
> hope you enjoy this chapter!!

                         **cosmicprince:**

                         god im so bored

                         #i finished all my hw but im so bored u guys #i wanna watch a movie with the squad #prince speaks

                         8 notes

                          **getshrekt** said: what squad

                         **youlikejazz** said: don’t go calling the aliens ur squad that’s so fkn rude

 

                         **cosmicprince:**

                         MY FRIENDS ARE SO MEAN

                         #WHY #prince speaks

                         4 notes

                         **godzillasace** said: what friends

                         **getshrekt** said: ^^^^^

 

                         **cosmicprince:**

                         **godzillasace** replied to your post: MY FRIENDS ARE SO MEAN

                                   | what friends

                         STOP BEING MEAN ALL OF U

                         #SEE WHAT I GO THRUOGH YOU GUYS #prince replies

                         9 notes

                         **getshrekt** said: your life is so tragic

 **youlikejazz** said: you poor delicate soul

                         **godzillasace** said: want some balloons for that pity party oikawa

 

**~*~**

June 7, 2017  
16:19

 **WORST UNCLE:** U GUYS ARE MEAN  
**WORST UNCLE:** UR NOT MY FRIENDS  
**therarestpepe:** Iwaizumi  
**therarestpepe:** I’ll bring the food If youre bringing the balloons  
**our lord and savior:** hana what about you  
**barrybbenson:** I’ll tell dick jokes as entertainment

 

 **WORST UNCLE** has left the conversation.

 

 **therarestpepe:** our baby boy ran away  
**therarestpepe:** hana our son is missing  
**barrybbenson:** itll be ok matsu  
**our lord and savior:** I’m sorry you guys  
**our lord and savior:** I’ll find your son

 

June 7, 2017  
16:43

 **Iwaizumi:** Oikawa  
**Iwaizumi:** come back to the chat  
**Iwaizumi:** your parents are extremely worried  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** thEYRE NOT MY PARENTS  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** PLUS IM OLDER THAN THEM  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** I DONT WANNA COME BACK  
**Iwaizumi:** well if you’re gonna go.  
**Iwaizumi:** I’ll leave too  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** are u serious  
**Iwaizumi:** I don’t see the point in staying if we’re not gonna have true entertainment  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** u guys think im funny  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** ??  
**Iwaizumi:** yeah??  
**Iwaizumi:** please come back Oikawa  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** …..  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** this better not be a trap  
**Iwaizumi:** it’s not.  
**Tooru** **☆** **:** ok…

 

June 7, 2017  
17:09

 **our lord and savior** added **WORST UNCLE**

 **our lord and savior:** I found him  
**barrybbenson:** TOORU-KUN  
**barrybbenson:** OUR BOY  
**therarestpepe:** OUR SON  
**barrybbenson:** WE’VE MISSED U SO MUCH  
**barrybbenson:** DON’T U EVER DO THAT AGAIN  
**WORST UNCLE:** IM OLDER THAN BOTH OF U  
**barrybbenson:** U KNOW WHAT  
**barrybbenson:** YOURE FUKCING GROUNDED YOUNG MAN  
**WORST UNCLE:** FUK U DAD  
**barrybbenson:** … did you actually just call me dad  
**therarestpepe:** do you see hana as a father figure oikawa?  
**WORST UNCLE:** nO  
**WORST UNCLE:** but I see him as a bOTHER FIGURE BC HES ALWAYS BOTHERING ME  
**our lord and savior:** HEY  
**our lord and savior:** SHOW YOUR FATHER SOME RESPECT  
**therarestpepe:** DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO YOUR FATHER THAT WAY  
**barrybbenson:** IWA DID IT  
**barrybbenson:** GOD BLESS  
**WORST UNCLE:** WHAT THE EHLL  
**WORST UNCLE:** IS WRONG WITH U ALL

**~*~**

June 8, 2017  
15:03

 **WORST UNCLE:** guysssssss  
**WORST UNCLE:** ……  
**WORST UNCLE:** guuuUUUUUYSSSSSSSS  
**WORST UNCLE:** (˃ɷ˂)  
**therarestpepe:** whaaaAAT  
**WORST UNCLE:** im so booooored  
**therarestpepe:** what do you want us to dooooooo  
**WORST UNCLE:** taaaaaalk  
**WORST UNCLE:** entertain meeeeee~  
**our lord and savior:** shut upppppp~  
**WORST UNCLE:** back at you iwachaaaaaaan~  
**barrybbenson:** im trying to do hw so shut up pls  
**WORST UNCLE:** take ur phone off vibrate thrn yeesh  
**barrybbenson:** kiss my ass oikawa  
**WORST UNCLE:** wow ok rude  
**barrybbenson:** oikawa  
**barrybbenson:** you remember that stupid teacher i had right  
**WORST UNCLE:** OHHH  
**WORST UNCLE:** say no more  
**barrybbenson:** god i fucking hate him so mch  
**barrybbenson:** i just wanna drop out of college so i don’t see him  
**therarestpepe:** yea….  
**barrybbenson:** ah...  
**barrybbenson:** anyway  
**barrybbenson:** what are u guys up to  
**barrybbenson:** ?  
**our lord and savior:** fucking around on tumblr  
**therarestpepe:** thinking abt getting food  
**therarestpepe:** but i’m too lazy and tired  
**WORST UNCLE:** same  
**WORST UNCLE:** and im bored???  
**our lord and savior** : okay I’m getting tired of hearing you say that so here  
**our lord and savior:** <http://meloetta.tumblr.com/post/159892665266/tiffanarchy-this-is-the-best-thing-i-will-see>  
**therarestpepe:** LMFAO WHAT  
**barrybbenson:** OH MY GOD  
**WORST** **UNCLE:** IS THT A DILDO  
**WORST UNCLE:** ?????  
**our lord and savior** : yeah it is  
**therarestpepe:** i should get one tbh  
**barrybbenson:** oH  
**WORST UNCLE:** oh dear god  
**WORST UNCLE:** why???????  
**therarestpepe:** for my car you pervs  
**therarestpepe:** but its nice to see what youre all thinking about ;))))  
**our lord and savior** : nope  
**therarestpepe:** :(((  
**barrybbenson:** dw matsu i definitely am  
**therarestpepe:** aw  <3  
**barrybbenson:** its weird that u wanna use it on your car tho  
**therarestpepe:** …..  
**our lord and savior:** pff Hana no  
**barrybbenson:** hana yES  
**barrybbenson:** quick question  
**barrybbenson:** where can you even get a dildo  
**WORST UNCLE:** are u serious makki  
**WORST UNCLE:** thats the most important thing on ur mind  
**WORST UNCLE:** why  
**WORST UNCLE:** why would you even nEED one????  
**barrybbenson:** idk I just wanna know where to get one??  
**barrybbenson:** what are you the dildo police?????  
**WORST UNCLE:** STOP  
**therarestpepe:** here u go  
**therarestpepe:** [link]  
**barrybbenson:** JESUS MATSU  
**WORST UNCLE:** U JUST SPRING THIS ON EVERYONE W/O WARNING  
**our lord and savior:** fucking hell  
**therarestpepe:** its very nsfw so no kids allowed  
**therarestpepe:** that means you oikawa  
**barrybbenson:** yasss matsu  
**barrybbenson:** call him tf out  
**barrybbenson:** we cannot allow our child to go on this sin site  
**WORST** **UNCLE:** shUT UP凸( >皿<)凸  
**barrybbenson:** are you really an adult oikawa??  
**WORST UNCLE:** I PAY BILLS SO SHUT UP MAKKI  
**barrybbenson:** you are a paragon of adulthood oikawa  
**therarestpepe:** o shit my boi’s using big words now  
**therarestpepe:** i’m so proud  
**barrybbenson:** <3  
**our lord and savior:** holy shit??  
**our lord and savior:** I can’t believe there are people out there making stuff like this  
**barrybbenson:** I cant believe people are writing small fics in the item descs  
**therarestpepe:** bless  
**barrybbenson:** lmao  
**therarestpepe:** holy shit  
**therarestpepe:** hana I’m gonna send you something  
**barrybbenson:** lmao nice ty  
**therarestpepe:** i don’t mean to disappoint you but that’s not what i meant  
**barrybbenson:** oh :(  
**barrybbenson:** well then hmu matsu  
**WORST UNCLE:** beam me up scotty  
**WORST UNCLE:** im sorry i couldnt  
**our lord and savior:** fucken nerd  
**our lord and savior:** go watch star wars then if you’re so bored  
**WORST UNCLE:** you’re dead to me Iwaizumi.  
**WORST UNCLE:** that line is NOT from star wars.  
**WORST UNCLE:** it’s from star trek.  
**our lord and savior:** okay what the fuck  
**our lord and savior:** oikawa just typed out coherent sentences  
**our lord and savior:** what is happening??  
**therarestpepe:** oikawa takes his nerd movies pretty seriously  
**therarestpepe:** that’s like one of the things you shouldn’t fuck with him about tbh  
**our lord and savior:** I’m kinda terrified  
**our lord and savior:** I’m not even kidding?  
**WORST UNCLE:** you should be.  
**our lord and savior:** …was that a threat?  
**WORST UNCLE:** nO  
**WORST UNCLE:** IM SORRY IWACHAN OMF  
**barrybbenson:** aaaand hes back  
**therarestpepe:** thank god  
**our** **lord and savior:** …..  
**WORST UNCLE:** anyway im gonna go watch star trek now so byeeee~  
**barrybbenson:** I think iwa’s still shitting himself  
**therarestpepe:** sexy asf  
**our lord and savior:** MATSUKAWA.

**~*~**

June 8, 2017  
15:42

 **king shrek:** hana.  
**king shrek:** do you have any idea when iwaizumi’s birthday is?  
**queenbee:** nooo  
**queenbee:** but why  
**queenbee:** ?  
**king shrek:** we should get him smth for it  
**queenbee:** we should  
**queenbee:** but what  
**king shrek:** we should get him smth from bad dragon lmfao  
**queenbee:** oH MY GOD  
**queenbee:** I WAS JUST THINKING TGE SAME THING  
**king shrek:** lmfao  
**king shrek:** should we tell oikawa tho  
**king shrek:** i want him to get in on this too  
**queenbee:** i could ask him  
**queenbee:** he’d definitely say yes to getting iwa a present  
**king shrek:** we can just not tell him what itll be tho lmao  
**queenbee:** ur an evil genius  
**king shrek:** <3  
**queenbee:** <3  
**queenbee:** ok so oikawaa said yes  
**queenbee:** but hes asking what we’re getting  
**king shrek:** oh shit  
**king shrek:** umm  
**king shrek:** ?????  
**king shrek:** oh fuck it  
**king shrek:** we’ll just tell him i guess  
**queenbee:** that’s no fun  
**queenbee:** but ok  
**king shrek:** holy shit okay so  
**king shrek:** he started screaming  
**king shrek:** and protesting  
**king shrek:** but then he said yes  
**king shrek:** just to get back at him for making fun of his nerd movies  
**king shrek:** so he’ll do it  
**queenbee:** oikawa is so fuckign petty jfc

**~*~**

June 8, 2017  
15:58

 **Hanamaki:** yoooo iwaizumi  
**Iwaizumi:** hey what’s up?  
**Hanamaki:** when is your birthday  
**Hanamaki:** ?  
**Iwaizumi:** …why?  
**Hanamaki:** we just wanna know  
**Hanamaki:** we still don’t know much abt you tbh  
**Hanamaki:** my birthday’s january 27  
**Hanamaki:** matsu’s bday is march 1  
**Hanamaki:** dorkawa’s is gonna be july 20  
**Hanamaki:** and we always get each other gifts n shit  
**Hanamaki:** and we wanna send u something  
**Iwaizumi:** …I have a very bad feeling about this  
**Iwaizumi:** I’m gonna be honest right now  
**Hanamaki:** why do u assume the worst of us Hajime-kun?  
**Iwaizumi:** did you all fucking forget the furry shit a few days ago??  
**Hanamaki:** ohhhh  
**Hanamaki:** lmao  
**Hanamaki:** don’t worry  
**Hanamaki:** we promise won’t send anything weird  
**Iwaizumi:** ….. my birthday’s in two days.  
**Hanamaki:** that was easy  
**Hanamaki:** and holy shit that’s so soon???  
**Iwaizumi:** yeah  
**Hanamaki:** what abt your address  
**Hanamaki:** ?  
**Iwaizumi:** fine **  
Iwaizumi:** here  
**Iwaizumi:** _This message has been deleted._

**~*~**

June 8, 2017  
16:04

 **queenbee:** i got his bday and address matsu  
**king shrek:** ah good  
**king shrek:** so lets go look

June 9, 2017  
00:05

 **king shrek:** HOLY SHIT  
**king shrek:** HANA  
**king shrek:** !!!!!!!!!!!  
**queenbee:** WHAT  
**queenbee:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**king shrek:** I FOUND SOMETHING  
**queenbee:** HMTFU  
**king shrek:** [link]  
**queenbee:** ITS PERFECT  
**queenbee:** IM ACTUALLY CRYING  
**queenbee:** MATSU UR THE ACTUAL DEVIL  
**queenbee:** ORDER THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW  
**king shrek:** WAY AHEAD OF YOU  
**king shrek:** I’M FUCKIN PAYING EXTRA FOR THAT TO GET HERE TOMORROW  
**queenbee:** GOOD SHIT

**~*~**

June 9, 2017  
09:47

 **boinkawa:** noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**boinkawa:** I BROKE MY STAR TREK DVD  
**boinkawa:** MY LIFE IS OVER  
**boinkawa:** MATTSUN  
**boinkawa:** MATTSUNNNN

10:30

 **mattsucc:** calm down  
**mattsucc:** its not the end of the world  
**boinkawa:** …………..  
**boinkawa:** what the hell  
**mattsucc:** is ur name now  
**mattsucc:** uh  
**mattsucc:** me and makki may or may not have spent all night looking around on the website for _that_  
**boinkawa:** ohhhhh  
**boinkawa:** I mean eW  
**mattsucc:** and we started drinking  
**mattsucc** : and changed everyone’s names  
**boinkawa:** jesus  
**boinkawa:** and whats my name???  
**mattsucc:** ….boinkawa  
**boinkawa:** ………  
**boinkawa:** …..well  
**boinkawa:** it could be worse i guess  
**mattsucc:** sooooooo  
**mattsucc:** yeah  
**mattsucc:** anyway I’m gonna go lie down or my head is gonna pop open  
**boinkawa:** yuck  
**boinkawa:** sleep well mattsun  
**boinkawa:** wait  
**boinkawa:** dont u have a class today???  
**mattsucc:** yes.  
**mattsucc:** they’re not gonna miss me that much.  
**boinkawa:** huh….  
**boinkawa:** well ok  
**boinkawa:** have a nice nap~  
**mattsucc:** thanks.

11:02

 **iwangzumi:** morning  
**iwangzumi:** ….  
**iwangzumi:** good morning to everyone expect for the person that gave me this fucking name  
**mattsucc:** aw cmon iwa  
**mattsucc:** I think its pretty fitting  
**iwangzumi:** Matsu.  
**iwangzumi:** I’m a man of simplicity  
**iwangzumi:** I don’t want to fuck around with puns  
**iwangzumi:** I want people to see my name and know I mean business

 

_iwangzumi’s nickname is now cock._

 

 **mattsucc:** there  
**mattsucc:** is that better?  
**cock:** ….  
**cock:** please change it back.

 

_cock’s nickname is now iwangzumi._

 

**~*~**

June 10, 2017  
17:49

 **mattsucc:** happy birthday Iwaizumi!  
**hanamakeyoucome:** ayyyy happy birth!!  
**boinkawa:** happy bday iwa-chan!!!! ☆*･゜ﾟ･*(^O^)/*･゜ﾟ･*☆  
**hanamakeyoucome:** *birthday  
**boinkawa:** shut up makki ( ≧Д≦)  
**mattsucc:** jesus christ oikawa could you be any more extra with those damn emojis  
**assmaster 3000:** thanks guys  
**assmaster 3000:** also ^^  
**boinkawa:** i do waht i want mattsun  
**mattsucc:** oikawa you weren’t supposed to start drinking yet  
**mattsucc:** asshole  
**boinkawa:** shUT UP （╬ಠ益ಠ)  
**boinkawa:** anyway  
**boinkawa:** iwa-chan!!!  
**boinkawa:** pls tell me u got our presents o(≧∇≦o)  
**assmaster 3000:** you guys got me stuff?  
**boinkawa:** yeah!!  
**hanamakeyoucome:** ofc ???  
**hanamakeyoucome:** what kind of friends would we be if we didn’t get u anything  
**mattsucc:** Iwa?  
**hanamakeyoucome:** he’s ignoring us now  
**hanamakeyoucome:** maybe we are the worst friends  
**boinkawa:** literally sto p  
**boinkawa:** talking  
**hanamakeyoucome:** I can’t go on  
**boinkawa:** good  
**hanamakeyoucome:** the day I dreaded has finally come  
**hanamakeyoucome:** tell my kids I love them  
**boinkawa:** and mattsun calls mE extra  
**boinkawa:** ok  
**assmaster 3000:** i was outside getting your presents from the mailbox idiots  
**hanamakeyoucome:** HE RETURNS  
**assmaster 3000:** and you guys are the worst friends to be honest  
**hanamakeyoucome:** LDKHDAGLJAH  
**hanamakeyoucome:** WHY  
**mattsucc:** ignore him  
**hanamakeyoucome:** _WHYYYYYYY_  
**mattsucc:** open the presents  
**boinkawa:** wait!!  
**boinkawa:** lets video call  
**hanamakeyoucome:** oohhHH YES YES YES  
**mattsucc:** let’s do it

 

Iwaizumi squints at the last few messages suspiciously, but he hits the ‘video call’ button anyway and waits for the others to answer.

The first screen to pop up was Matsukawa’s; he was leaning in his chair and obnoxiously slurping what looked to be a smoothie. Iwaizumi cringes at the loud static in his ears.

“Matsu, please stop that.”

Matsukawa pulls his lips away from the straw and sets the drink down. “Nice to see you too, Iwaizumi.”

The next screen was of Hanamaki spinning in his chair. He stops when he sees the light near his camera flash. “Oh shit, waddup.”

“Where’s Oikawa?”

“I’m here!” Oikawa’s voice calls out, but his screen is nowhere to be found. “Damn it, my camera’s being stupid…”

“Oh well, whatever,” Hanamaki shrugs, completely disregarding Oikawa’s problem when he sees Iwaizumi holding the gifts. “Ooh open mine first!”

Iwaizumi glances down and sees that there are not three, but four presents from them. That’s pretty generous of them, but it’s still weird. Eh, whatever. He picks up Hanamaki’s gift; it’s poorly wrapped in paper that’s covered in kiddy race cars.

“It’s a special wrapping paper just for a special boy like you, Hajime-kun. You’re a big kid now.”

“I’m older than you, dumbass.”

Hanamaki blows a kiss to the screen.

Iwaizumi ignores the gesture with a small blush on his face as he proceeds to rip the present open.

It’s a DVD box of fucking _The Bee Movie_.

“Are you fucking serious,” he mutters darkly, glaring up at the screen to Hanamaki’s pleased expression. Iwaizumi wants to punch it off his face.

“It could’ve been worse. I could’ve been reading you the entire _script_ right now.”

Iwaizumi pales and places the box on his desk. “Uhh. Thanks? I guess?”

Hanamaki winks and does the finger gun gesture at him.

“Okay, mine next,” Matsukawa says. He started slurping his smoothie again and Iwaizumi doesn’t even bother saying anything.

He picks up a surprisingly well-wrapped present, there’s no tacky wrapping paper and Iwaizumi already has another bad feeling about this. He really shouldn’t, but the amount of effort that was put into this still puts him on edge. It’s pretty heavy, as he unwraps it it’s a cardboard box stuffed with packing peanuts and-

“Shrek… shot glasses.” Iwaizumi deadpans.

“If we ever come there we’re fucking drinking with those,” Matsukawa says, “I’ll let you have the Fiona one to my Shrek.”

Iwaizumi sighs. “How… generous… of you.”

“I call dibs on the Puss in Boots glass!”

“Not fair, Makki!”

“Don’t whine, Oikawa,” Matsukawa chides, “You can get the Donkey one.”

Iwaizumi purses his lip and nods. “Makes sense since he’s the biggest ass of us all.”

“Shut up, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa screeches. His screen is still black but everyone knows that he’s either sticking his tongue out or flipping them all off. He suddenly chirps, “Anyway, mine’s next!”

Iwaizumi grabs another present, this one is nicely-wrapped but the paper is covered in aliens. This one is heavy too, and Iwaizumi prays to god it’s nothing fucking weird again. “National Geographics?”

Matsukawa raises his eyebrows in confusion. “Oikawa, what the fuck?”

“What, you think _my present_ is the weirdest one? It’s so Iwa-chan can see that aliens do in fact exist,” Oikawa responds with the most serious tone in his voice. “I know you sent that anon back then. Meanie.”

Iwaizumi opens his mouth, but nothing comes out except a groan. “Fine, you win. Thanks Oikawa.”

“Aren’t you gonna open the last one?” Hanamaki asks.

Matsukawa’s finished his smoothie and he leans closer towards his screen to maybe watch Iwaizumi’s face as he opens it.

“Uh,” Iwaizumi says hesitantly. He reaches his hand down to pick up the box. Christ, this one is huge and sure weighs a ton. What the fuck is in it? Surely it can’t be worse than the other three can it?

…Can it?

“Sure, why not.”

“It’s from all of us, Hajime-kun,” Hanamaki sing-songs, staring at him with a smirk on his face.

Iwaizumi audibly swallows. He rips away the paper and sees a cardboard box, the flaps stuck down with tape. He grabs his pocket knife from his desk drawer and drags it through the tape, slowly opening the box to reveal a weird object.

…Oh.

 _Oh_.

Iwaizumi’s expression immediately changes from unimpressed to horrified in no time flat when he stares at the content in the box. “Oh no. Oh _hell no_!”

Matsukawa and Hanamaki immediately burst out laughing, Oikawa’s screen finally pops up to show him trying to catch his breath and slamming his fists on his desk.

 _“What is this_?!” Iwaizumi screeches as he yanks out a _gigantic dildo_ from the box to show to the camera, and it only fuels everyone else to laugh even harder. “What the HELL am I gonna do with this?! It’s fucking _huge_!”

Oikawa’s trying to speak, but everything he says is incoherent until he finally gets out, “You can- oh my god I can’t- It’s for your Godzilla collection!”

“You guys got me a _fucking_ **_Godzilla_** _dildo_?!”

His reactions aren’t putting an end to everyone wailing and howling with laughter. Hanamaki started sobbing and slipped right out of his chair.

“I am NOT putting this up with my plushies!” Iwaizumi roars. “What the hell is _wrong_ with all of you?!”

Matsukawa actually stops laughing for a few seconds to give Iwaizumi the most deadly serious look on his face as he says, “You can just use it instead.”

Iwaizumi sputters, “I’d fucking die if I tried!?”

Oikawa shoves his chair back and runs away off screen to wipe his nose and eyes while Hanamaki’s comes up from off his floor to reveal his tomato-red fave, tears streaming down his cheeks. He takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down so he could respond with, “So wait wait wait. You’re _considering_ using it?”

“No,” Iwaizumi bellows, “NO. _NO_!”

“But Iwa-chan!” Oikawa whines out. “It could’ve been worse! We could have requested it to be named after you or even gotten one that lays eggs in you! Be grateful we didn’t go all out on it!”

Iwaizumi slams his hands down on his desk in total frustration. “ _Listen_. I know where you fucking live and I will personally come and _kick your ass_ if you keep talking, Shittykawa.”

“Maybe he’ll even bring Dongzilla with him to do it,” Matsukawa spits out, and Hanamaki almost chokes on his own tongue.

“’ _Dongzilla’_!” Oikawa hollers until he ends up choking on his tongue.

Iwaizumi wants to scream. He wants to cry. He doesn’t know what he wants to do; everyone can see his face and are still howling with laughter. He wants to tell everyone to go fuck themselves, but he _knows_ that would be used against him as a dirty joke, so instead he stupidly spits out, “ _YOU GAVE THAT MORONIC THING A NAME_?!”

“Hey now,” Matsukawa comments nonchalantly, “don’t speak so harshly about Dongzilla. You’ll hurt his feelings.”

“’ _His feelings’_!” Both Hanamaki and Oikawa scream out.

Iwaizumi has run out of words to say. He leans back in his chair, runs his hands up and down his face until they cover his mouth so he can let out the loudest groan with a whine at the end. “I swear to god I’m gonna choke myself,” he mutters, digging his fingers into his eyes.

“You better not use Dongzilla to do that,” Matsukawa chides.

“I’ll fucking shove the damn thing down your throat if you don’t stop,” Iwaizumi threatens, holding the godforsaken dildo in front of him towards the screen.

Matsukawa’s eyelids droop along with a sultry smile appearing on his face. “Ooh, I’m down for that. Just tell me when, baby.”

 

_Call ended, duration 2:04:39_

_assmaster 3000 has left the conversation._

19:58

 **hanamakeyoucome:** i wanna be sad about iwa leaving again  
**hanamakeyoucome:** but theres no fkn way i can be sad whrn that name pops up lmfao

 

**~*~**

Iwaizumi steps into the genkan to slip off his sneakers when he hears his mother calling for him. He raises his head in the direction where her voice is coming from, which is the kitchen.

He pads over to the supply closet door in the kitchen to see her putting away a vacuum cleaner and a mop bucket.

“Mom?” Iwaizumi says. His mother looks at him with distress in her eyes and it causes Iwaizumi to worry. “Is something wrong?”

“Erm,” she says, her voice breaking as she begins to speak. “I was in your room cleaning earlier and, well, I found a strange object in your room? On your bed?”

Iwaizumi raises a brow in confusion, looking at the wall behind her to think about what it could—

No. _No._

“ _M-mom_ ,” Iwaizumi stutters, eyes widening in horror. “I swear I can explain—“

“ _Why on earth,_ ” she interrupts him, “ _do you have a freaky looking sex toy on your bed_?”

Iwaizumi stares at her, mortified. How’s he gonna explain that his idiot friends got him a _dildo_ for his birthday?

What is he supposed to say? _‘Hell yeah mom, I bought it’_ he thinks, cringing at the possible reactions she would have to a response like that.

“It… it was a gift,” he weakly replies.

His mother blinks at him in shock as she finishes putting away the vacuum, leaving him standing in the supply closet completely frozen.

A few moments later, he shakes his head and paces out of the closet. She’s by the sink washing dishes and Iwaizumi hopes that the conversation is over until she says to herself, “Who on _earth_ would send something like that to you as a joke?” Iwaizumi bows his head to look at the floor, face completely flushed. “Just… just be careful with it, okay? Oh my goodness…”

 _…Did I really just make this worse for myself?_ , he thinks as he goes straight to his room.

He finds the cursed object on his bed and visibly flinches, grabbing an empty shoebox from his closet and shoving the dildo into it. He slides it under his bed and flops onto it, groaning into his pillow.

The others can _never_ fucking know about this.

**~*~**

 

**godzillasace:**

                         mom I am so. soooo. sorry.

                         #oh god #text

                         3 notes

 

**~*~**

June 23, 2017  
19:58

 **boinkawa:** http://godzillasace.tumblr.com/post/ …  
**boinkawa:** iwachan did something happen????  
**boinkawa:** iwachan??  
**hanamakeyoucome:** hes at work  
**boinkawa:** shit  
**boinkawa:** i forgot  
**hanamakeyoucome:** wait wtf  
**hanamakeyoucome:** whats going on??  
**boinkawa:** smth happened to his mom apparently????  
**hanamakeyoucome:** holy shit  
**hanamakeyoucome:** iwa  
**hanamakeyoucome:** iwa-iwa~  
**hanamakeyoucome:** IWAIZUMI  
**hanamakeyoucome:** HAJIME-KUN  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** WHAT  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** DO YOU WANT  
**boinkawa:** WTF  
**boinkawa:** IS WRONG WITH MATTSUN  
**hanamakeyoucome:** lmao  
**boinkawa:** aND YOU  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** actually Oikawa  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** this was my doing  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** so was assmaster 3000  
**boinkawa:** what is happening to my poor innocent iwachan ｡ﾟ(*´□`)ﾟ｡  
**hanamakeyoucome:** this one is my fave lmao  
**hanamakeyoucome:** and trust me oikawa  
**hanamakeyoucome:** he’s not fucking pure in any way  
**hanamakeyoucome:** plus ur the one to blame too  
**boinkawa:** excUSE ME?????  
**hanamakeyoucome:** have you SEEN what we got him??  
**hanamakeyoucome:** surprised he hasnt died yet tbh  
**hanamakeyoucome:** and that his ass is still in one piece  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** I haven’t fucking used it at ALL  
**hanamakeyoucome:** thts what a person who HAS used it would say  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** piss off Hana  
**hanamakeyoucome:** ( ˘ ³˘)♥  
**hanamakeyoucome:** anywaaaayyyyy  
**hanamakeyoucome:** its friday yall  
**hanamakeyoucome:** what are we gonna do  
**boinkawa:** idk??? i dont have work tmrw soooo  
**mattsucc:** me neither  
**boinkawa:** !?? since when did YOU get a job???  
**mattsucc:** a couple months ago  
**mattsucc:** i didnt tell anyone bc it didn’t seem like a big deal  
**boinkawa:** what do u do??  
**mattsucc:** i work at a bar  
**mattsucc:** the pay is rly good though  
**mattsucc:** i’m not working tonight tho so i’m free  
**mattsucc:** who’s up for a drinking game?  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** I am  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** I had a shitty day so I already started  
**mattsucc:** iwa’s got the right fkn idea  
**mattsucc:** are you gonna join oikawa?  
**mattsucc:** or do you have little demons to deal with tomorrow  
**mattsucc:** ?  
**boinkawa:** literally no one in this chat can fucken read huh  
**mattsucc:** don’t be fkn rude  
**boinkawa:** i apologize ur majesty  
**mattsucc:** thts better  
**mattsucc:** so are you in or what?  
**boinkawa:** let the games begin bithc  
**mattsucc:** that’sw hat i’m talking about  
**mattsucc:** hana  
**mattsucc:** haaanaaaa  
**mattsucc:** sweetums uwu  
**mattsucc:** pumpkin  
**mattsucc:** dickweed  
**mattsucc:** asshole  
**mattsucc:** hana the longer you take the more hurtful the names are gonna be  
**mattsucc:** soggy cereal left on a table for two hours  
**hanamakeyoucome:** stfu i’m here??  
**hanamakeyoucome:** also tht last one was mean :///  
**mattsucc:** i’m sorry bby  
**hanamakeyoucome:** i forgive u  <3  
**mattsucc:** <3333  
**hanamakeyoucome:** <333333333  
**boinkawa:** here we go ahai n  
**hanamakeyoucome:** dont be jeaouls oikawa  
**mattsucc:** don’t be greedy hana  
**hanamakeyoucome:** u right  
**hanamakeyoucome:** wanna join in on the love oikawa  
**hanamakeyoucome:** ??  
**boinkawa:** no thx  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** ok so  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** what was thst about drinkinh game???  
**mattsucc:** OH RIGHT  
**mattsucc:** ok so like  
**mattsucc:** um  
**mattsucc:** geex we’re limited fuck  
**mattsucc:** i guess we’ll just do the fuucking lame old truth or dare  
**boinkawa:** ooooooyES  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** oikaws is the biggest teenager of us all  
**hanamakeyoucome:** ikr  
**hanamakeyoucome:** anyway  
**hanamakeyoucome:** who watns to go first  
**boinkawa:** meeeeeeeeeeeeee  
**hanamakeyoucome:** gor fir it  
**boinkawa:** yikes ok  
**hanamakeyoucome:** don’t fuckin chicken out now  
**boinkawa:** shut up im thinking  
**boinkawa:** ummm  
**boinkawa:** IWACHAN  
**boinkawa:** TRUTH OR DARE  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** uhhhhhhhhhhh  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** fuckin..  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** dare  
**mattsucc:** ohhhhhhh  
**boinkawa:** i dare u tooooo  
**boinkawa:** lick ur phone  
**mattsucc:** oh cmon  
**mattsucc:** that’s so lame  
**boinkawa:** stfu u ask smth better then  
**mattsucc:** well i cant ask now :/  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** don e  
**mattsucc:** wait  
**mattsucc:** waitwaitwaitwaitwiat  
**mattsucc:** how do we KNOW YUO Actually did it tho  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** i don’t need to prove shit  
**mattsucc:** nope  
**mattsucc:** i need proof  
**mattsucc:** i’m calling you guys

 

Group call, 20:43

 

Iwaizumi clicks the call button with little to not coordination thanks to the questionably large amount of alcohol in his system.

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa slurs with a goofy smile on his face. Well at least Iwaizumi now knows Oikawa is a damn lightweight. “Show me you licking your phone.”

Iwaizumi’s face crumples. “Do I have to?”

Matsukawa’s screen is the next one to pop up. “It’s a shitty dare but you gotta do it.”

“Shut up, Mattsun!” Oikawa screeches, narrowing his eyes at Matsukawa’s screen. He takes a rather large swig from a bottle of cheap gross-looking beer, and Iwaizumi scrunches his nose. “Ahh. Go ahead, Iwa-chan~.”

“Ugh, fine…” Iwaizumi reluctantly reaches for his phone sitting on the desk in front of him, holding it up for Oikawa to see. He pokes his tongue out and lightly drags it across the screen, but he ends up spitting and shaking his head in protest.

“Oh my god,” Iwaizumi wails as he wipes his mouth with his sleeve. “It’s like licking an ice cube.”

Matsukawa raises a brow. “That sounds like a good thing though?”

“Not if the ice cube’s been on your ear all damn day.”

Matsukawa groans in disgust and Oikawa has a pleased look on his face. Iwaizumi suddenly has the urge to slap it right off.

“I’m so proud!”

Iwaizumi gulps down his beer to get the taste of ears out of his mouth. “You’re disgusting.”

“Where’s Makki?” Oikawa asks, squinting at his screen to look for Hanamaki’s window.

“I’m here,” Hanamaki’s voice calls out, “my camera’s being an asshole but I can see you guys. That was really fucking gross, Iwaizumi.”

Iwaizumi takes a deep breath after pulling the bottle away from his lips. “Can we please stop talking about it then?”

Hanamaki's screen finally shows him nodding in agreement. “Anyway, whose turn is it now?”

“I think it’s yours, Hana,” Matsukawa says, resting his chin on his palm. He looks like he’s gonna pass out any minute now, his eyes are drooping at this point. How long has he been drinking?

“I dare you to…” Hanamaki trails off, squeezing his eyes shut as he thinks. Iwaizumi could swear he was asked what the meaning of life was the way he looked thinking so hard. His eyes snap open and he pounds a fist on his desk, causing Matsukawa to jump in his seat. “To post your entire fuckin’ internet history.”

“One second,” Matsukawa replies with zero hesitation. A few clicks are heard on his end but Oikawa stops him with sounds of disagreement.

“Uh uh, nope,” Oikawa says, “no stupid screenshots because I know you’re gonna edit them.”

Matsukawa snorts and a small window showing his screen pops up with his internet history open. “Here it is, fuckers.”

Oikawa starts squinting again and quickly reaches his hand into a desk drawer to yank out a pair of glasses, shoving them onto his face. Iwaizumi didn’t even know he needed a pair, and it makes him look like an even bigger dork.

“Shut up, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa pouts. Iwaizumi didn’t even realize he said that out loud. He’s not gonna take it back, though. “Let’s see… bad dragon, bad dragon, bad dragon, youlikejazz, youlikejazz, godzillasace, godzillasace, godzillasace, godzillasace—“

“You don’t have to read them all out Oikawa,” Hanamaki comments. “You’re not some 80 year old man.”

Oikawa ignores him in favour of continuing to read the history out loud. “Tumblr, tumblr, tumblr, how to quit colle—“

Before he could even finish that last one Matsukawa’s screen instantly vanishes. He clears his throat to hopefully erase any incoming tension from questions he’s hoping won’t be thrown at him.

Instead there’s silence in the chat for a few moments until Oikawa finally says, “…geez Mattsun, your internet history is just full of stalking and gross dildos.”

“Oh please, I bet it’s better than yours,” Matsukawa comments, “it’s all full of Iwa’s tumblr page, alien theories, other nerd shit—“

“And alien dildos too,” Hanamaki interrupts. Matsukawa and Iwaizumi burst into laughter.

Oikawa squawks in protest and screams at them both to shut up for the fourth time in the call. Iwaizumi’s still giggling to himself and suddenly spits out, “Maybe we should get you an alien dildo for your birthday. You’d finally have a new best friend.”

Hanamaki weeps into his microphone from laughing. Oikawa screams, “You don’t even know when my birthday is!”

“Sure I do,” Iwaizumi replies with a smug smile on his face. “Hana’s told me all of your birthdays and I know _exactly_ what to get you all.”

“MAKKI!” Oikawa wails. “What the fuck!?”

No one can still see his screen but they hear a loud thud and Iwaizumi suspects he’s fallen out of his chair. Probably even hit his head, too.

“I’m gonna fucking die, oh my god,” Hanamaki wheezes.

“Yes you will!” Oikawa roars. “This is not how I wanted Iwa-chan to find out about my birthday!”

Matsukawa hums as he drinks, pulling the bottle away from his mouth. “Hey, Iwa, speaking of dildos—“

“How about we don’t?” Iwaizumi replies bitterly.

“Aww c’mon,” Matsukawa says, pouting. Iwaizumi looks away to stare at his curtains instead. Matsukawa may look cute but that’s not gonna get him to talk about it some more. “i just wanna know if we’re getting our money’s worth.”

Oikawa scrunches his nose in distaste. “Eugh, that sounds so dirty, Mattsun. No offense, Iwa-chan.”

Iwaizumi shrugs. “Ehh I don’t really care, whatever.”

“Oh! Iwa-chan! I forgot to ask you something earlier!”

Iwaizumi glances at his screen to look at Oikawa’s window. “What?”

“What happened to your mom the other day?”

Iwaizumi swallows down a few gulps of alcohol because he really doesn’t think or feel like he’s drunk enough to talk about that. Not yet, anyway. “Can we drop that for now too?”

Oikawa sighs in disappointment. “Okay. Whose turn is it now for this now boring ass game?”

**~*~**

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa giggles. He’s been giggling for the past ten minutes, after watching Matsukawa being dared to put tape all over his face, especially his eyebrows, and rip it all off. Iwaizumi wanted to cry but Matsukawa kept saying he couldn’t feel a thing. “Truth or dare!”

Iwaizumi gently smacks his cheeks as he thinks. He can also feel a tiny smile on his face as he answers with “truth.”

“Okay~ What happened with you and your mom earlier?” Oikawa gets out between bouts of laughter. Matsukawa decided to stick the tape back onto his eyebrows and kept wiggling them. Iwaizumi is lucky he can still hear Oikawa talking to him, Hanamaki is howling with laughter at Matsukawa’s antics.

“Oh my god, okay so,” Iwaizumi starts. “So like… you guys remember that dildo you sent me right? Right?”

Matsukawa stops wiggling his eyebrows to look at Iwaizumi as he begins his story. “Oh god yes, what happened?”

“I left it on my bed that day by accident and my mom like, came into my room to clean it and she found it—“ Iwaizumi stops to stifle his incoming laughter with his hands. He manages to get out, “she found it on my bed and started screaming!”

“Oh my _god_!” Oikawa screams until he starts coughing up a lung. Matsukawa is holding his face in his hands from crying and laughing, repeating “oh my god, oh my god this is _amazing_ ”.

“I’m so fucking proud oh my god,” Hanamaki gets out between laughs. Oikawa looks like he’s ready to puke, his face is slowly turning purple and he looks sweaty, but Iwaizumi knows it’s just his tears. “This is the proudest moment of my life.”

Iwaizumi smiles so hard he swears his cheeks are going to go numb from the pain. His stomach hurts so much from laughing and keeping it in. Hanamaki clears his throat but he continues to giggle.

“Listen- pfff- okay listen. Hajime,” Hanamaki says with a grin. “Truth or dare?”

Iwaizumi purses his lips. “Truth again!”

“Okay so, like, have you ever used the dildo?”

“The dildo has a _name_ , Makki!” Oikawa blurts out. “And it’s name is _Dongzilla_!”

“Fuckin’ I wish I was sober enough to go on YouTube for this moment,” Matsukawa sadly mumbles.

“Oh! Shit! You’re right! Have you used Dongzilla? Like at all?” Hanamaki asks again.

It takes a few moments for Iwaizumi to think about it, then he shakes his head. “Noo, I haven’t. If I did that thing would fucking kill me.” Hanamaki nods his head, but he looks a little disappointed. “But! I have thought about using it before?”

“Pfft seriously?!” Oikawa cackles. Matsukawa bursts into laughter for the eighth time that night along with Hanamaki who’s pounding his fist against the desk again. Iwaizumi couldn’t help but join in on the laughing fest.

“I dunno whether to laugh or cry,” Hanamaki wheezes out.

“Okay shut up fuckers, it’s my turn now,” Matsukawa announces. “Iwa! Truth or dare!?”

“Dare!”

“Ooooh,” both Hanamaki and Oikawa say in unison.

“Would you at least attempt using the damn thing?”

“It’s Dongzilla!” Oikawa corrects him.

“Ah shit, sorry, yeah, what he said,” Matsukawa says.

Iwaizumi hums in consideration. “Hmmm… I would? I guess?”

“Wait seriously?” Hanamaki asks, his expression showing genuine shock.

“I would do it, but I wouldn’t do it on camera?”

“Fair enough, fair enough,” Matsukawa nods in agreement.

“I’ll do it when the game is over,” Iwaizumi blurts out. “Promise.”

Matsukawa can’t hide the smile forming on his face. “I’m finally getting my money’s worth.”

“You mean ours?” Oikawa says. “We paid for it too!”

“Yeah but I fuckin’ got it shipped here with my own money,” Matsukawa pouts. “So it’s _my_ money—“

“ _And I need it now_!” Hanamaki shouts out.

“Damn fucking right I need it now,” Matsukawa gets out between laughs.

**~*~**

 

June 24, 2017  
02:14

 **Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** yuo guys  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** i’m gona use the didlo for the first ime  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** wish me lick  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** luck  
**hanamakeyoucome:** god speed u mahnficnt bastard  
**hanamakeyoucome:** holy shit u guys  
**hanamakeyoucome:** my stomach is killing meee  
**hanamakeyoucome:** why did we stop the call agin???  
**mattsucc:** bc iwa said hes gonna do the dare  
**mattsucc:** he didnt want to di it on camera  
**hanamakeyoucome:** o thts undersatna;e  
**mattsucc:** wath  
**boinkawa:** wait u guys  
**boinkawa:** didnt he say smth earlier abt that thing killig him tho?  
**mattsucc:** oh  
**mattsucc:** OH  
**mattsucc:** WHAT HAVE AI DONE  
**mattsucc:** IWA ATOP  
**mattsucc:** STOP  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** guYS  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** is it possibel to die frm this?  
**mattsucc:** STOPPPP  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** cause i feel im dead inside  
**boinkawa:** IWACHSN PLEASE STOP  
**hanamakeyoucome:** OH MY GOD STOP STOP SOTP  
**hanamakeyoucome:** OH YGOD  
**hanamakeyoucome:** ARE U TRYING TO DIE?????????  
**mattsucc:** TGIS IS ALL MY FALT FUCK  
**mattsucc:** FAUTL  
**mattsucc:** FUCK  
**boinkawa:** HIS BLOOOD IS ON UR HANDS MATTSUN

 

**~*~**

Iwaizumi stirs awake from his sleep, immediately raising a hand to his temple to hopefully soothe his throbbing head. His brain feels like it’s going to implode inside his skull and he wants to puke.

 _Water_ , he thinks groggily. Thinking makes his head feel like popping open, so he ignores any further thoughts until he goes downstairs and fetches some water. Along with some painkillers.

He goes to move his arm to pick himself up and he whines at how the movement causes his head to throb again. Make that a lot of painkillers.

He holds onto the edge of his bed to keep himself steady to stand up until he realizes he’s actually holding something in his hand, something large and oddly textured. He looks up to see what it is (which was a mistake) and sees that he’s holding the Cursed Dildo. _Dongzilla._

He scrunches his eyebrows in confusion after tossing it onto the floor, looking around his room to look for his laptop which is underneath another blanket. He looks at his nightstand to see what time it is, and instead is met with a bottle of lube perched right in front of his alarm clock.

“What the fuck…?” Iwaizumi mumbles weakly. He falls face down onto his bed again, too exhausted and hungover to actually wake up, to actually get up and clean off his desk which is completely covered with beer and whiskey bottles.

He can hear his phone buzzing with messages from the chat, but he’s in no condition to stretch out his arm and grab his phone off his pillow, even though it’s literally right next to him.

After howling in pain from retrieving his phone, he squints against the brightness and turns it the fuck down to a more tolerable level. He reads the chat and he wants to die all over again.

 

 

June 24, 2017  
07:56

 **boinkawa:** god im so worried  
**boinkawa:** i hope he’s ok??  
**boinkawa:** holy shit like ik his mom knows abt it but what if he hurt himself???  
**boinkawa:** i blame mattsun for this  
**mattsucc:** can you like  
**mattsucc:** stop fuckin blaming me for all of this??  
**mattsucc:** you encouraged this too??  
**mattsucc:** YOU BOUGHT IT TOO  
**boinkawa:** STOP REMINDING ME  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** guys.  
**boinkawa:** IWACHAN!!!!  
**boinkawa:** ARE U OKAY?????  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** no  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** my head  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** explode  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** need water  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** too weak  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** to get up  
**mattsucc:** is your ass okay?????  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** ?  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** it’s fine?  
**mattsucc:** oh thank god  
**mattsucc:** thank god  
**boinkawa:** u didnt use it???  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** what are you talking about  
**boinkawa:** we dared u to use Dongzilla last night  
**boinkawa:** then u said yes  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** oh god  
**boinkawa:** and we ended the call  
**boinkawa:** then u said u were honna use it  
**boinkawa:** but then u stooped responding  
**boinkawa:** and we started panicking  
**boinkawa:** i was rly worried iwachan ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚  
**boinkawa:** u didnt us ei t did u???  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** no  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** i think i passed the fuck out last night  
**boinkawa:** thank god  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** im gonna  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** go sleep  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** and puke  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** i wanna die  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** my head hurts fuck  
**boinkawa:** sleep iwachan  
**boinkawa:** good night!!!  
**mattsucc:** gnite iwa  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** mm night night  
**boinkawa:** holy shit  
**boinkawa:** i almost thought about finding out where he lived  
**boinkawa:** so i could see if he was ok  
**mattsucc:** i don’t think hed like that oikawa  
**mattsucc:** but i get what you mean  
**boinkawa:** wheres makki btw??  
**mattsucc:** idk tbh  
**mattsucc:** he vanished around 3am  
**mattsucc:** probs in the same condisiton as iwa  
**boinkawa:** rip

9:01

 **hanamakeyoucome:** DID HE USE IT????  
**hanamakeyoucome:** IS HE OK??????  
**boinkawa:** hes ok makki  
**hanamakeyoucome:** GOOD  
**hanamakeyoucome:** HOLY SHIT THAT THING  
**hanamakeyoucome:** IS WAY TOO BIG  
**hanamakeyoucome:** WE BOUGHT THAT FOR HIM AS A JOKE U GUYS  
**hanamakeyoucome:** I COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND KICK BOTH OF YOUR ASSES  
**boinkawa:** YOU??? TOLD HIM TO DO IT TOO????????  
**boinkawa:** SO STFU  
**hanamakeyoucome:** i hope they stop making milk bread  
**boinkawa:** i hOPE THEY CANCEL LOVE LIVE  
**hanamakeyoucome:** YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU BITCH  
**boinkawa:** …..actually i kinda do  
**boinkawa:** its a good fkn game  
**hanamakeyoucome:** and show  
**boinkawa:** tru  
**mattsucc:** anyway  
**mattsucc:** while u two old women are arguing  
**mattsucc:** i got me some bk  
**hanamakeyoucome:** bitch  
**hanamakeyoucome:** without me  
**mattsucc:** oops  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** i cant believe no one tried to call me  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** to see if i was okay  
**hanamakeyoucome:** u said u wouldn’t do it on camera  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** I MEANT ON MY PHONE?  
**hanamakeyoucome:** wE DON’T EVEN KNOW UR NUMBER???  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** ugh  
**hanamakeyoucome:** iwa pls go back to bed  
**hanamakeyoucome:** youre clearly not making any sense  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** piss of  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** if  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** fuk i  
**hanamakeyoucome:** u tryin to say fuck you  
**Sir Cockmunch the Fourth:** yeah  
**hanamakeyoucome:** oh  
**hanamakeyoucome:** same to u  <3

**~*~**

**spankdaddy420:**

                         oh my god. what the fuck did i DO last night

                         #my head still hurts #also #WHEN THE FUCK DID I CHANGE MY NAME #WHAT THE SHIT #text #dl

                         6 notes

                         **getshrekt** asked: congrats on becoming a porn blog ;)

                         **youlikejazz** asked: ayyyy love the new name unf  <3

                         **cosmicprince** asked: lmao iwachan im glad youre finally realizing what ur blog should really be

                         **Anonymous** asked: are u a pron b log now?

 **Anonymous** asked: first ur a furry and now ur a porn blog?? blocked lol

                         **Anonymous** asked: finally!!!!!!!!!

 

**~*~**

June 25, 2017  
17:01

 **hanamakeyoucome:** i’m so glad iwa’s ok tho  
**hanamakeyoucome:** but he just keeps making things worse and worse for himself lmao  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** you can all go fuck yourselves.  
**hanamakeyoucome:** maybe later~  
**hanamakeyoucome:** maybe i’ll use Dongzilla to take care of it~  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT DONGZILLA ALREADY  
**hanamakeyoucome:** oops sry  
**hanamakeyoucome:** i should know better than to talk tht way about ur boyfriend  <3  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** NO.  
**hanamakeyoucome:** i at least hope u disinfected it before using it again hajime-kun~  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** LOOK.  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** WE’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE.  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** I DIDN’T USE HIM.  
**hanamakeyoucome:** DID U JUST CALL DONGZILLA HIM  
**hanamakeyoucome:** WHERE TF IS MATTSUN WHEN I NEED HIM FOR SHIT LIKE THIS  
**mattsucc:** I SAW LMFAO  
**mattsucc:** ALSO IWa  
**mattsucc:** we felt rly bad about what happened the other night  
**mattsucc:** so all of us invested in a care package~  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** thanks  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** I’ll be sure to set the package on fire when it comes to my door  
**boinkawa:** cmon iwachan dont be ungrateful!!  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** I don’t want another fucking dildo????  
**boinkawa:** but iwachan you could actually use this one  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** whAT THE FUCK  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL  
**boinkawa:** we thought maybe u wanted a useable one iwachan  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** NO???  
**hanamakeyoucome:** don’t be fucking rude hajime-kun  
**mattsucc:** it should be at your house any second~  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** fuck all of you  
**mattsucc:** you mean yourself? ;)  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** MATSUKAWA.

 

Iwaizumi peeks through the peephole at the front door to look for the package. He doesn’t want to, but he did say that the second he saw it he was gonna burn it to the ground.

He watches a mail van stop by the fence and a mailman grabbing a package from the back, placing the box by the gate. The minute the van takes off, Iwaizumi slowly opens the door and looks left and right for any neighbors that could be spying on him.

He dashes to the gate and picks up the bloody package, heading back inside the house and slamming the door closed behind him.

Iwaizumi heads towards the kitchen to grab a garbage bag from a cabinet, but instead he finds himself grabbing a knife to cut open the box.

After the tape is cut, he opens the flaps to see another box and he groans. He sifts through the packing peanuts and his hands touch a piece of paper. Pulling it out, he reads:

“GO FUCK YOURSELF <3 –much love from Matsu, Hana and Oikawa”

Iwaizumi heavily sighs. What is he gonna do with these idiots.

Instead of tossing the box into the garbage bag, he takes it to his room to see what ‘it’ looked like. Before he could, his phone starts buzzing.

 

19:03

 **hanamakeyoucome:** hajime-kun~  
**hanamakeyoucome:** please make sure your mom doesn’t see this one too, okay~?  
**I SURVIVED DONGZILLA:** FUCK OFF.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a HUUUUGE shout out to [rin](http://iwa-do-me-hajime.tumblr.com/) who basically came up with this whole chapter and created dongzilla lmao. please give them buckets and more buckets of love <3
> 
> alsooo next chapter's gonna take a while bc there's gonna be a lot of narrative and dialogue and shit so please be patient with me ;0;

**Author's Note:**

> talk iwa to [me](http://queeniwaizumi.tumblr.com/) and [rin](http://iwa-do-me-hajime.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


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